Fellowship Ficlets
by Nirette
Summary: Just some LOTR short stories that I come up with randomly. There's no real schedule for updates. Perhaps not the best for die hard fans... (New ficlet posted; Jobs that The Fellowship Would be Really Bad At 2/3.)
1. Commercials 1 of 3

**Commercials Done by Lord of the Rings Characters 1/3**

_Gandalf_

*Gandalf walks on set like a boss*

Gandalf: When you get old, you start to slow down a bit. Simple things like fighting Balrogs, coming back from the dead, and saving the day get tiresome.

*Gandalf starts to talk using an epic voice*

Gandalf: That's why I use _**8,766,000 Hour Energy Drink**_, the only energy drink that lasts an entire millennium! Let's demonstrate the effects, shall we?

*Gandalf proceeds to break through walls, kill a bazillion orcs, finish a game of QWOP in one try; the usual*

Gandalf: _**8,766,000 Hour Energy Drink**_; so amazing that even I use it!

_Sam_

*Sam awkwardly walks in with a bag of potatoes*

Sam: Well, don't you know it; I have some potatoes, heh heh heh.

*director coughs off set*

Sam: Right! But they're all clean – I mean, they're all dirty!

*director sighs*

Sam: So, if you, uh, get what I'm getting at, I want to, you see, erm, get these potatoes, uh – undirty?

*Sam looks around him*

Sam: Where is it?

*silence*

Sam: Oh, it's off stage!

*Sam runs off set to go get his product. He comes stumbling back*

Sam: I can't find it! Its *dramatic* lost!

Director: It's in your pocket!

Sam: *pulls out his product from his pocket* Oh. Heh heh heh.

Director: ...*sigh*

Sam: So now to clean some po-ta-toes!

*Sam attempts to open the potato bag*

Potato bag: Trololololooo.

Sam: The potato bag won't open!

*ten minutes later and it's still not opening*

Sam: Desperate times call for desperate measures!

*Sam opens potato bag with teeth*

Sam: Now, we, uh, take a potato, and use this –

*Sam holds up a potato peeler*

Sam: Called the, uh…the, erm…

Director: *whispers* The _**Peel-Machine**_!

Sam: Right! Called the Pee-Machine!

Director: *ragequit*

Sam: So we take the Pee-Machine and peel our potatoes!

*Sam tries to use the peeler and cuts his thumb*

Sam: Bugger.

Director: *makes a sound that's a cross between an elephant giving birth and a balloon letting out air*

Sam: Just a bit of blood! *is bleeding all over his potatoes* Just a…a little extra protein!

*someone off camera gags*

Sam: Now, this Pee-Machine cuts very well, as you can see. *holds up a bloody potato* Just like my Gaffer used to say, 'It's not about the potato, Samwise, it's about the peeler!'

*silence*

Sam: *whispering to the camera* He didn't used to say that, I'm just being paid to tell you that.

*far off in the distance you can hear the director scream*

Sam: Time to go. Remember to buy the Pee-Machine; the best thing since baked potatoes!

*silence*

Sam: I think I might need a Band-Aid.

_Legolas_

*Legolas skips in*

Legolas: Being on a super duper awfully bad mission doesn't mean I should look like this:

*holds up pictures of Aragorn and Boromir*

Legolas: But sometimes there isn't even enough water to drink, let alone wash my *slow motion hair flip* beautiful locks!

*Legolas holds up a hat-like object*

Legolas: But this _**Hair Fresh Routine**_ from _CoverElf _means that I don't even need water to wash my hair! Let me show you how this works.

*Legolas puts his hair into this pink hat-thing*

Legolas: Tiny little microbe things or something like that make your hair clean again! And when you're done with it, you can be eco-friendly and throw it out!

*Boromir and Aragorn walk in*

Aragorn: Dude, what's up with the hat?

Boromir: You look like a cupcake…

Legolas: YOU'RE RUINING MY CLOSEUP!

*Legolas bursts into tears*

Director: FML.

**Okay, I've decided that since sometimes I get funny ideas for LOTR that aren't big enough for a series, I should make a ficlet fanfiction story to house them all. There isn't exactly going to be scheduled updates, so if you like this ficlet so far then you should follow the story so you know when there are updates *nudge nudge, wink wink***

**These advertisements will make up three chapters, and then I'll do some other random stories when I think of them.**

**Make sure to Read and Review :D**


	2. Commercials 2 of 3

**Commercials Done by Lord of the Rings Characters 2/3**

_Merry and Pippin_

*Merry and Pippin walk in*

Merry: *obviously saying scripted lines* Hey, Pippin, don't you hate being short?

Pippin: *who hasn't read his script* No.

Merry: …

Director: Cut!

-Take Two-

*Merry and Pippin walk in*

Merry: Hey, Pippin, don't you hate being short?

Pippin: Um…yeah, totally…*drops character* Unless I get children discounts at restaurants because I look like I'm eight. Then that's pretty awesome.

Director: Cut!

-Take Three-

*Merry and Pippin walk in*

Merry: Hey, Pippin, don't you hate being short?

Pippin: Yeah…

Merry: Don't you wish that you could just drink some sort of potion, and then suddenly be taller?

Pippin: That seems sketchy.

Director: CUT!

-Take Twenty-Eight-

*Merry and Pippin walk in*

Merry: Hey, Pippin, don't you hate being short?

Pippin: Yeah…?

Merry: Don't you wish that you could just drink some sort of potion, and then suddenly be taller?

Pippin: That would be so cool.

Merry: Then try this! *Merry tosses Pippin a bottle* This is **_Entwash_**!

Pippin: Wow!

Merry: It has a unique formula that is totally foolproof in making you tall –

Pippin: *reads from back of the bottle* **Warning: Side effects include drowsiness, headaches, making you shorter, and death.**

Director: addsiuiugfuiwguirgfu CUT!

-Take Fifty-Six-

Merry: Hey, Pippin, don't you hate being short?

Pippin: I LOVE BEING SHORT AND I'M SICK OF THIS COMMERCIAL.

Merry: …Pippin, you're an ass.

Pippin: I SUPPORT BEING SHORT! *walks out*

Merry: *awkwardly standing in an empty room* Is that a wrap?

Director: …I hate hobbits.

_Aragorn_

*Aragorn barrel-rolls in*

Aragorn: Being a badass is stressful on your body.

*Aragorn is demonstrated killing a dozen orcs using a butter knife, and then is displayed looking like his joints are in pain*

Aragorn: But now, with 3-in-1 _**BADASS BITES**_, you'll be prepared for anything!

*Aragorn is shown falling off of a mountain and landing on his feet like a boss*

Aragorn: Enriched with vitamins to keep you strong; injected with painkillers for those badass joints; and made minty fresh for all those ladies.

Arwen: *breaks down a door to get into the filming room* DID YOU JUST SAY 'LAD_IES_'?!

Aragorn: Shit.

Arwen: *holds up a random frying pan and starts to attack Aragorn*

-ten minutes later and Aragorn is on the ground with multiple bruises-

Aragorn: How m-much painkiller-ing-stuff is in this? *holds up _**BADASS BITES **_bottle*

Director: A lot…

Aragorn: G-good *downs entire bottle* mmm, m-minty fresh.

*Aragorn passes out*

_Boromir and Frodo_

*Boromir and Frodo walk in*

Frodo: Sometimes carrying a powerful ring can be stressful.

Boromir: *looks offended*

Director: Boromir, say your line!

Boromir: *through his teeth* Sometimes seeing a powerful ring can be…tempting.

Frodo: That's why I use _**Protecto-Spray**_, a harmful spray that can keep me and the ring safe! Let's demonstrate.

*Boromir and Frodo back away from each other*

Boromir: *sarcastically* Oh woe is me, I feel like I need that shiny ring of yours, Frodo.

Frodo: Oh nooooooooo! *holds up _**Protecto-Spray **_and points it at Boromir's face. Accidently shoots it.*

Boromir: WHAT THE HELL. *falls to the ground in pain*

Frodo: I thought it was empty! I thought it was empty! *throws bottle to ground and starts to run around*

Director: That was PERFECT!

Boromir: I FEEL LIKE MY FACE IS MELTING OFF.

Frodo: *is crying* I'VE MELTED BOROMIR!

Director: I've gotten some good footage!

**Thanks to _Micky S. J. Reilly_ for reviewing!**


	3. Commercials 3 of 3

**Commercials Done by Lord of the Rings Characters 3/3**

_Gimli_

*Gimli walks in angrily*

Gimli: I didn't sign up for this…

Director: AHEM.

Gimli: *sigh* Hey you, yes you, person watching this. Are you too short to jump across a broken bridge? Do you constantly have your beard grabbed to save you from falling to your death?

*unhappy silence*

Gimli: Probably not. But if you do, use _**Beard Brew**_, the only liquid product that makes your beard as strong as Mithril…wellllll, maybe not Mithril…

Director: Gimli…

Gimli: Perhaps as strong as tin foil, or maybe napkins…

Director: Gimli!

Gimli: Actually, I think I've had tissue paper that was stronger…

Director: GIMLI!

Gimli: _DIRECTOR!_

Director: YOU'RE AS BAD AS THE HOBBITS!

Gimli: YOU'RE AS BAD AS…AS YOUR FACE!

-Take Two-

Gimli: Hey you, yes you, person watching this. Are you too short to jump across a broken bridge? Do you constantly have your beard grabbed to save you from falling to your death?

*silence*

Director: Ahem.

Gimli: Ahem.

Director: Gimli…

Gimli: *in falsetto tone* _Gimli…_

Director: Stop that.

Gimli: _Stop that._

Director: You're an idiot.

Gimli: _You're an idiot._

Director: I'man idiot.

Gimli: _I'm an idio _- hey…

-Take Three-

Gimli: Hey you, yes you, person watching this. Are you too short to jump across a broken bridge? Do you constantly have your beard grabbed to save you from falling to your death? If so, then use _**Beard Brew**_, the only liquid product that makes your beard as strong as…metal. It even helps you grow a beard if you don't have one. As wel- *Gimli's beard falls off*

Director: …

Gimli: …

Director: …

Gimli: …

Director: Um…

Gimli: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

Director: I didn't do anything…

Gimli: THE _**Beard Brew **_DESTROYED MY FACE!

Director: Nothing a little Elmers Glue can't fix…

_Gollum_

*Gollum slowly meanders in*

Director: What the hell is that?

Gollum: Meanses, precious, meanses! Mean and nasty old man, _gollum_. We'll wring your neck, yes, and then bites out your eyeses, my precious, yes, my precious, yessss.

Director: …oooookay then.

Gollum: Does we sense he doesn't believe us, precious? Foolish man, we'll bite –

Director: Right, well, not that this chat isn't going well, but we need to get back to the advertising part. Do you have your product?

Gollum: What's a product, eh, precious?

Director: Oh, this is going to be a long day.

Gollum: Do you mean this, nasty fat man? *holds up a vial*

Director: Yes, yes, that's it. It's called _**Ring-a-Clean**_.

Gollum: …

Director: Not the manliest name ever.

Gollum: Rightses.

*camera starts to film*

Gollum: *sits silently*

Director: Say your lines!

Gollum: What's a line, precious?

Director: What you say.

Gollum: Fish.

Director: …what?

Gollum: That is the line, precious. Fish!

Director: No, no, it has to do with the product.

Gollum: What?

Director: The…ah, the _**Ring-a-Clean**_. It cleans rings.

Gollum: Fish.

Director: No, _**Ring-a-Clean**_.

Gollum: Fish?

Director: _**Ring-a-Clean**_.

Gollum: Oh, precious, we knows now! *eats _**Ring-a-Clean**_*

Director: THAT IS POISONOUS!

Gollum: Fish?

**This program has been cut short for medical reasons. Make sure to by _Ring-a-Clean _the next time you see it in stores, though!**

**Just…don't eat it.**

**Please.**

**Don't.**

_Treebeard_

*Treebeard can't fit through the door*

Director: What the hell is that?

Treebeard: Ho hum, manflesh I smell.

Director: …yeah.

Treebeard: Why hello there, young fellow.

Director: Hey…are you, um, presenting a product?

Treebeard: Now don't be hasty!

Director: I kind of need to know…

Treebeard: Slow down, young master Manflesh.

Director: My name isn't Manflesh…

Treebeard: Don't be hasty.

Director: I'm not –

Treebeard: You don't even know my name yet.

Director: I just want to go home and sleep…

Treebeard: Well now, hum, don't be hasty.

*twenty minutes later*

Treebeard: - and many days we have waited for the Entwives to come back, yet –

*an hour later*

Treebeard: - and the waterhole was all dried up! It seemed that the sun was far too strong for –

*two days later*

Treebeard: - and then the little rabbit found his mother again.

Director: …

Treebeard: Ho hum.

Director: That's…that's it?

Treebeard: No, don't be hasty. I was just thinking of how thirsty I am and –

Director: ARE YOU GOING TO REPRESENT A PRODUCT OR NOT?!

Treebeard: Don't be –

Director: I AM FREAKIN' HASTY. DEAL WITH IT.

Treebeard: Master Manflesh, I - *he sees a bottle of _**Entwash**_* Master Manflesh, what is this?

Director: A product that I'm selling.

Treebeard: This is from my forest!

Director: So?

Treebeard: You are stealing my property! *starts to break down the walls* Curse you, Master Manflesh, root and branch!

Director: Stop it, you'll –

*Treebeard slams his branches into an area where all of the footage and cameras sit. They all break*

Director: No…

Treebeard: *destroys stuff*

Director: No, no…

Treebeard: *destroys more stuff*

Director: …those were my advertisements. That I have spent all week filming. And editing. And enduring.

Treebeard: *stops destroying* Now, don't be hasty Master Manflesh.

Director: …I need a vacation.

**Thanks to RandomFandom5 for reviewing, and thanks to radishesandspectraspects for following and favouriting.**

**The next time I think of a ficlet idea, I'll post it. Thanks for reading the advertisements!**


	4. Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die 1

**Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die **

**Part 1**

Matilda Mary Maddy Madonna Megan Margaret Maggie Melissa Maria Marilyn Michelle Myrtle McMomomomo had a terrible, awful, horrendous life. For one, her bedroom walls weren't the colour of pink that she had wanted – the boy at the paint store had mixed up the paint colours, and it was one shade off. Also, in third grade, she has gotten a B- on a test. Matilda Mary Maddy Madonna Megan Margaret Maggie Melissa Maria Marilyn Michelle Myrtle McMomomomo's life sucked.

So what did Matilda look like, you may ask? Well, she had hair that was longer than an airplane and was *cough* naturally *cough* blue. Her eyes were as wide as pears and were as violet as her grandma's underwear. They were, of course, naturally violet. I mean, it's not like she wore coloured contact lenses or anything *shifty eyes*.

Matilda was as slim as a branch/trunk (you decide) of a tree and wore only pink, which more-than-slightly clashed with her hair and eyes, but oh well. Her lips were shaped like a heart (naturally of course, there was definitively no plastic surgery involved there, no siree) and her cheeks were as red as apples. Her eyebrows were plucked daily, and were situated high on her forehead, giving her a, um, _cutesy _surprised expression no matter what she was doing. She could have been reading the dictionary and she would have looked flirty and in shock at the same time!

Matilda was _beautiful_ even though she endured such a _hard_ life. But her life was about to change when…

'Oh my goooood,' Matilda sunk her perfect teeth into her pillow as Aragorn bravely killed orcs on her TV screen. 'I want to marry him. And have his children. And watch him while he sleeeeeeeps.'

Due to some unexpected magic that seems to occur whenever Mary-Sues watch the LOTR movies, Matilda suddenly appeared at the Council of Elrond.

'Oh, cool!' Matilda said, suddenly becoming an elf as well.

'Who are you?' Elrond asked in a surprised tone.

'My name is Matilda Mary Maddy Madonna Megan Margaret Maggie Melissa Maria Marilyn Michelle Myrtle McMomomomo and back at home I have a terrible life! I am here to help you on your quest!' Matilda exclaimed breathlessly.

'You're a woman,' Gandalf frowned. Since Middle Earth is sexist, Matilda definitively would never be accepted into The Fellowship.

Yet due to Mary-Sue magic, Gandalf suddenly got struck by a meteorite and died.

'Gandalf!' Frodo shrieked.

'I'm your leader now!' Matilda declared. 'So let's go to Mount Fear or whatever and get rid of that ring fast so I can marry yummy Aragorn!'

'It's called Mount Doom,' Aragorn faintly commented.

'Whatever, future hubby,' Matilda waved him off. Also, due to Mary-Sue magic, she had wings now. Go figure.

_UP NEXT – MATILDA IS THE LEADER OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING BECAUSE GANDALF IS APPARENTLY DEAD :( WILL SHE BE ABLE TO LEAD THE COMPANY SAFELY? WILL SHE BE ABLE TO REMEMBER THE PLOTLINE OF THE STORY? WILL SHE BE ABLE TO DEFEAT A BALROG? PROBABLY NOT, BUT WAIT AND SEE!_

**This ficlet is basically my war against Mary-Sues. If you happen to like Mary-Sues, this fic isn't for you xD**

**Thanks to NCISELF, Songwriter99, and RandomFandom5 for reviewing, to Songwriter99 for favouriting, and to NCISELF and Songwriter99 for following the story. Hopefully I didn't miss anyone xD**

**Notes: Sorry that it took FOREVER to update**_** Fellowship Ficlets**_**. I have a new laptop now so I now have more incentive to write, which is good when it comes to updates. Sadly I have exams soon, so that may take a hit to the updates xD**

_**Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die**_** will be a several part short story which may be cut up by other short story ideas depending on if I get more ideas for **_**Fellowship Ficlets**_**.**

**Aaaaaaaaaand that's it! Read and Review please :D**


	5. Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die 2

**Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die**

**Part 2**

Because nothing boring happens to a Mary-Sue when they are in Middle Earth, Matilda and The Fellowship immediately departed from the council and started off on their journey without packing supplies or talking about where they actually were going.

'Where are we going?' Matilda asked.

'You're the leader of our company, shouldn't you know?' Frodo asked, slightly vexed.

'Shut up,' Matilda started to cry. 'MY LIFE SUCKS!'

Suddenly a magical God-Fairy appeared.

'Don't cry, Matilda Mary Maddy Madonna Megan Margaret Maggie Melissa Maria Marilyn Michelle Myrtle McMomomomo. Sweetheart, you'll smudge your makeup and then you'll never get to marry Aragorn!' the magical God-Fairy told her.

'I don't want to marry her…' Aragorn said slowly, starting to back away.

'Here's a map, dearie,' the magical God-Fairy handed Matilda a parcel, ignoring Aragorn's comment.

'I can't read maps,' sniffled Matilda.

'If you can't read a map, why are you the leader of our company?' Boromir questioned unhappily.

'You don't have to read this map!' the magical God-Fairy smiled, not paying attention to Boromir. 'Open the parcel, sweetheart.'

Matilda did and found that it contained a GPS. 'Oh, thank-you magical God-Fairy!'

The magical God-Fairy disappeared. Matilda put the destination into the GPS.

'RECALCULATING!' the GPS squawked. 'TURN LEFT IN TWO THOUSAND KILOMETRES.'

'Two thousand?!' Matilda started to cry again. 'By then my feet will hurt!'

The magical God-Fairy reappeared. 'You have wings, my pet! And you are an elf now, so you don't get tired.'

'That is such a lie,' Legolas breathed out unhappily.

'Thanks magical God-Fairy!' Matilda cheered, but then she started to howl again, saying; 'MY HAIR IS TOO LONG FOR THIS JOURNEY!'

'Then I will cut it!' Gimli said, very annoyed by Matilda. He took his axe and cut off all of her hair.

Immediately, a meteorite hit him.

'Gimli!' Aragorn rushed over to the charred remains of the dwarf.

'MY HAIRRRRRR!' Matilda screamed.

'Don't worry, honey, it will grow back. Such is the sacrifice that you must make for joining The Fellowship,' the magical God-Fairy nodded astutely.

'My life sucks,' Matilda sniffed.

'Yep,' the magical God-Fairy agreed, and then vanished.

_UP NEXT – WHERE WILL MATILDA LEAD THE COMPANY? WILL ANYONE SURVIVE HER METORITE ATTACKS? WILL SHE ACTUALLY GET TO MARRY ARAGORN? WE SHALL SEE!_

**Thanks to Super Serious Gal 3 for following and to NCISElf for reviewing :D**

**Sorry this is so short xD I shall update soon!**


	6. Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die 3

**Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die**

**Part 3**

'I can fly!' Matilda cried out loud as she hovered about a centimetre above the ground.

'Right. Where are we going now, Matilda?' Merry asked.

'Shut up!' Matilda shouted. 'I'll kill you!'

'I wish Gandalf were here,' Sam grimaced.

'SHUT UP FAT HOBBIT!' Matilda said. 'Anyways, he was being stupid!'

'I wish Gimli were here,' Aragorn sighed.

'He cut off my hair; he deserved to die. Now, let's go two thousand kilometres, guys!' decided Matilda. Suddenly, she fell to the ground. 'Oh…oh no!'

'What happened, lady?' Boromir asked, and then muttered under his breath; 'Did you look into a mirror?'

'I…I feel faint!' Matilda groaned. 'I…I'm going to die! Hold me, Aragorn!'

Aragorn quickly hid behind Legolas.

'Erm…Aragorn isn't around anymore, lady…' Legolas said awkwardly.

'Good…good-bye, Aragorn, my sweet,' Matilda crooned to thin air. Then she died.

Suddenly the magical God-Fairy appeared. 'Matilda! Don't be dead!'

'She's…dead?' Pippin asked hopefully. 'Are you sure?'

Suddenly Matilda's body burned bright blue and she was alive again!

'Oh, thank-you magical God-Fairy!' Matilda sung as the magical God-Fairy smiled and vanished.

'What just happened?' Merry asked.

'I died but was brought back for plotline tension!' Matilda exclaimed.

'What?' Merry frowned.

'Nevermind, stupid habbit or whatever you're called. Let's go,' Matilda tried to get up. 'Oh, I'm so weak! Aragorn, carry me!'

'Do…do I have to?' Aragorn poked his head out from behind his Legolas-shield.

'Yes, you idiot. Geez, for a future husband you really don't treat your woman right,' Matilda crossed her arms.

'But I love Arwen…' Aragorn rubbed his temples.

Suddenly a flash appeared in the sky; a meteorite. It fell in Rivendell.

'DID YOU JUST KILL ARWEN?!' Aragorn shouted.

'Yeah. Carry me,' Matilda demanded, and, using her Sue-magic, made Aragorn obey. 'Wow, this adds some romantic tension to the plot.'

'You're fat,' Aragorn huffed under the weight of Matilda.

'ONWARDS!' Matilda screeched. 'MUSH!'

Since Sue's don't have boring things happen to them, they suddenly were in the Mines of Moria, near the exit.

'What just happened…?' Frodo asked.

'Oooh, good, we skipped the mountain-pass-part-thingamabob. That seemed too cold for my delicate skin,' Matilda clapped her hands happily.

'Where are we?' Frodo asked.

'Meria or something,' Matilda said while trying to look Aragorn romantically in the eyes. He romantically dropped her. 'Hey!'

'Do you mean Moria?' Aragorn asked uneasily.

'Oh, hubby, you're so smart!' Matilda squealed.

'You do realize that both Gandalf and Gimli would have helped dearly in this situation, right?' Aragorn glared down at her.

Matilda started to wail. 'MY LIFE IS HORRIBLE! I ALWAYS DO THINGS WRONG!'

Her cries suddenly woke up the Balrog.

'Oh noooo, the Balfog is awake!' Matilda held a hand to her mouth.

'Balfog?' Frodo asked.

'Whatever,' Matilda said sulkily. 'Geez, I can't remember the names of everything, Frofro.'

'Fro_d_o!' Frodo corrected unhappily.

'You woke up a Balrog?' Aragorn questioned faintly.

'It was his fault!' Matilda pointed to Sam. 'He's too fat!'

'That makes no sense, lady! And I'm not as fat as you!' Sam retorted. A meteorite hit him.

'SAM!' Frodo cried.

And then Matilda got an idea. If she killed everyone (gradually, so her soon-to-be-hubby wouldn't catch on), she'd be in the company alone with Aragorn.

'YEEEEES!' she screamed so loud that the Balrog went deaf and died.

_UP NEXT – WILL MATILDA SUCCEED WITH HER PLAN? WILL EVERYONE DIE? AND WHAT WILL GALADRIEL THINK OF THIS MARY-SUE? WAIT AND SEE!_

**I'm so glad Matilda isn't real. So. Glad.**

**Thanks to evilbrat2013 for favouriting, and to BrightWatcher, Kayla Swift/Lotr4eva, evilbrat2013, and to a guest for reviewing :D**

**See y'all next time!**


	7. Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die 4

**Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die**

**Part 4**

Suddenly the magical God-Fairy appeared.

'You are soooooo amazing!' the magical God-Fairy said to Matilda. 'You have just saved The Fellowship!'

'Seriously?' Matilda screeched.

'Like, totally! And because you are like, a goddess, I'm going to grant you a wish!' the magical God-Fairy giggled.

'Well, I'm an elf now, so that means that I live forever, right?' Matilda asked.

'Yep,' the magical God-Fairy nodded.

'But my poor hubby is mortal!' Matilda wailed. 'I want him to live forever!'

'Your wish is granted!' the magical God-Fairy cried out. Suddenly, Aragorn was covered in a blue, sparkly light.

'No! No-no! No no no no no no!' Aragorn shouted as suddenly he got elf ears and lost his beard (as well as about twenty pounds.)

'Hubby, you look so hawt!' Matilda screamed. 'Thanks, magical God-Fairy! I'll name our first child after you! What's your name again?'

'Most people call me Chris P. Bacon!' the magical God-Fairy disappeared.

'Chris P. Bacon?' Frodo asked faintly.

'I think it's a lovely name!' Matilda decided.

'I don't want to be an elf,' Aragorn pouted.

'Shut up, hubby. Now, let's get out of here. Wanna carry me again?' Matilda tried to raise her eyebrows seductively, but since they were already very high on her forehead they completely disappeared into her hair.

'Suddenly becoming an elf has made me weaker,' Aragorn said, slowly backing away from Matilda.

'Elves aren't weak!' Legolas exclaimed.

'Not now, Legolas,' Aragorn hissed at the elf.

'You feel weak?' Matilda questioned. 'Using my Sue-powers, I shall make you strong!'

Matilda waved her arms. Suddenly, Aragorn's pinky became the size of a pumpkin from an abrupt amount of muscle-growth.

'WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY FINGER?' Aragorn yelled as the weight of it dragged him to the ground. Matilda began to cry.

'I'M NEW TO MAGIC, OKAY?' she sobbed. 'I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU STRONGER SO THAT YOU COULD CARRY ME! MY LIFE SUCKS! I MESS UP EVERYTHING!'

Then Chris P. Bacon appeared!

'I will make him strong for you, Matilda!' Chris P. Bacon said. Abruptly, Aragorn's finger shrunk back to normal size, yet then his arms became as round as pumpkins.

'WHAT?!' Aragorn shouted.

'Oh, Chris P. Bacon, you're so kind to me!' Matilda sighed. 'Now Gorny-Boo-Pumpkin-Arms can carry me to wherever we must go!'

'CHANGE ME BACK!' Aragorn demanded. Chris P. Bacon disappeared. 'I HATE YOU, CHRIS P. BACON!'

'Oh Gorny-boo, you're so strong now!' Matilda grinned wickedly at him.

'I will tear you in half,' Aragorn said, a muscle in his jaw twitching.

'So romantic!' Matilda clutched at her heart. 'I…I think I might die from it all!'

'Please do,' Pippin prayed.

Then Matilda died from Aragorn's "love".

'YEAH!' Pippin and Merry then started to dance around Matilda's dead body, singing "Ding-Dong! The Witch is Dead!" and kicking dirt in her mouth.

_UP NEXT – WILL MATILDA STAY DEAD? WILL CHRIS P. BACON STAY AWAY FROM THE COMPANY? WILL ANY OF THE PLOTLINE ACTUALLY HAPPEN? WE SHALL SEE!_

**Yes, I realise that **_**Ding-Dong! The Witch is Dead! **_**wouldn't be known to Pippin and Merry. Oh well.**

**Alsoooo, if for some reason you don't understand the humour in 'Chris P. Bacon', say it out loud. Yep. That's how easily I am amused :3**

**Schmanks to a guest and to The NCISElf for reviewing :D**


	8. Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die 5

**Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die**

**Part 5**

'So…she's actually dead?' Legolas asked hopefully as the remaining company stared down at Matilda's body.

'I reaaaally hope so,' Aragorn groaned as he stared at his arms. 'I hate Chris P. Bacon.'

Suddenly Chris P. Bacon appeared!

'Did someone say my name?' Chris P. Bacon questioned. Then Chris P. Bacon saw Matilda. 'Oh nooooooo!'

Matilda was suddenly covered in a blue light.

'No…' Aragorn muttered faintly.

Her eyes opened scarily.

'No, no…'

She stood up.

'NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO!'

'Hubby!' she screeched. 'Let's make out!'

'Whaaat? No! NO!' Aragorn shouted loudly as Matilda literally flung herself onto him.

'But I just died and now I'm alive and it will add some sexual tension to the plotline!' Matilda whined.

'Um…' Boromir commented awkwardly. 'Maybe we should leave for a while…'

'NO! NO, DO NOT LEAVE!' Aragorn screeched.

'That's fine, I like to watch,' Chris P. Bacon grinned creepily. The remaining bit of The Fellowship back away from him (except for Aragorn, who was fighting off Matilda.)

'I don't like where this is heading…' Frodo remarked.

'I do,' Chris P. Bacon said even more creepily.

'What. The. Hell.' Frodo said, hiding behind Legolas.

'Ditto,' Merry agreed, hiding behind Pippin.

'I like to watch TV!' Pippin smiled innocently.

'Erm, not what he means, Pip,' Merry grimaced.

Meanwhile, Matilda was still attempting to kiss Aragorn.

'I WILL USE MY SUE-MAGIC SOON!' Matilda shrieked as Aragorn tried to run away.

'I HATE YOUUUU!' Aragorn shouted. 'HATE HATE HATE HATE HATEEEEE!'

'Anakin, you're breaking my heart!' Matilda gasped.

'What?' Aragorn asked confusedly.

'Oh, sorry, wrong line, TEE HEE!' Matilda giggled.

'Yeah…' Aragorn nodded. 'Well, um, not that this hasn't been fun, but I sort of want to leave now.'

'Fiiiine, if you're such a bad kisser that you're too embarrassed to kiss me, I forgive you,' Matilda folded her arms. 'You still must carry me.'

'Alright,' Aragorn decided (holding her would be much better than adding "sexual tension" to the plotline.)

'We'll have to have a kissing scene sometime though, so you should practice on like Boromir or Legolas before then,' Matilda told him.

'Can I watch?' Chris P. Bacon asked hopefully.

'Kill me now,' Aragorn then burst into angry tears and started to bash his head off of the wall.

_UP NEXT – WILL FELLOWSHIP MEMBERS EVER STOP DYING? WILL MATILDA EVER STAY DEAD? WILL CHRIS P. BACON EVER GO AWAY? WE CAN ONLY HOPE AND WAIT FOR NEXT TIME!_

**This chapter came off way more sexually than I had planned xD Oh weeeeell, now you know a bit more about Chris P. Bacon! **

**Also, yeah, I know, there's no TV in Middle-earth. And I do realise that Matilda doesn't seem like the type that would use a cheesy **_**Star Wars **_**quote. Oh weeeeeeeell.**


	9. Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die 6

**Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die**

**Part 6**

Like stated before, nothing boring ever happens to a Sue. So suddenly they were all in Lothl_ó_rien, standing in front of Galadriel and Celeborn.

'Who are you…?' Celeborn asked, surprised at the sudden appearance of these random people.

'DON'T QUESTION ME!' Matilda screamed.

'What's wrong with your arms?' Celeborn then asked Aragorn, trying to ignore the extremely peeved Matilda.

'DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY HUBBY, HE'S STRONG NOW!' Matilda screeched. A meteorite then killed Celeborn.

'You…you just…you just killed Celeborn!' Galadriel said slowly, looking at the crater in the ground.

'Deal with it,' Matilda said, sticking her tongue out and crossing her arms.

As Galadriel cried over the crispy remains of Celeborn, the company were suddenly presented with food.

'You just murdered Celeborn…and people are feeding us. Sue-magic is weird,' Aragorn muttered at Matilda.

'DON'T OFFER ME THAT! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CARBS ARE IN THAT?' Matilda squealed as an elf offered her bread. A meteorite fell and was supposed to hit the elf, but ended up killing Frodo. 'Oh, whoops, sorry Frofro.'

'YOU JUST KILLED THE RING BEARER!' Aragorn shouted as a better-aimed meteorite hit the poor elf with the bread.

'I WASN'T TRYING TO!' Matilda yelled, starting to cry.

Then Chris P. Bacon appeared!

'Do not worry, Matilda, the ring can still continue on its journey!' Chris P. Bacon explained with a smile. 'You must choose one of these two hobbits to carry it.'

He then pointed to Merry and Pippin, who were crying over Frodo.

'I'm terrible at choosing. How about I just have a meteorite fall and the one that survives gets the ring?' Matilda asked.

'Good enough,' Chris P. Bacon agreed.

'NO!' Aragorn shouted as a meteorite fell. It happened to hit _both _of the hobbits.

'I ALWAYS DO THINGS WRONG!' Matilda bawled.

'Just choose someone else!' Chris P. Bacon told her. 'Hun, you're amazing. You can find someone!'

Matilda looked around. She saw Boromir. 'Boromore or whatever his name is can have the ring!'

'That…that may not be the best idea!' Aragorn said quickly.

'Shut up, hubby!' Matilda exclaimed. She picked up the ring from Frodo's crater and handed it to Boromir. 'He can handle it!'

'We're all going to die,' Aragorn groaned.

_UP NEXT – WILL BOROMIR BE ABLE TO WITHSTAND THE POWERS OF THE RING? WILL MATILDA EVER STOP KILLING PEOPLE WITH METEORITES? WILL ANYTHING BORING EVER HAPPEN TO THE MARY-SUE? NO. BUT KEEP ON READING!_

**The only thought I had when Merry and Pippin died was "At least they died together!" :'(**

**Poor Celeborn. And 'Frofro'. And Merry and Pippin. This story is getting depressing.**

**KEEP ON READING AND REVIEWING THOUGH :D **

**Thanks to Indigomoon99 for favouriting, and to Cheetahstar, The purple radis, Frodo rules, purple rabbit, Hamham3434343, and Midnight Archer 13 for reviewing!**

**See y'all next time!**


	10. Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die 7

**Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die**

**Part 7**

Matilda was so pleased with her choice in ring bearer that she forgot to continue using her Sue-magic. The surrounding elves were suddenly able to control themselves again, and immediately one shot Matilda with an arrow.

'YES!' Aragorn shouted as she fell to the ground.

'ARAGORN, I AM IN PAAAAAAAAIN!' Matilda squealed dramatically, clutching at her heart (even though she was shot in stomach.) Aragorn didn't care much; he was dancing around like a maniac. 'ARAGORNYYYYYY-BOOOO! I-I-I…_eugh_!'

Then Matilda died…again.

There was much celebration that night. The elves mourned the loss of Celeborn, and Galadriel wasn't seen by anyone for a long time – aside from that, though, everyone was extremely happy. There was much food, drink, and merrymaking. Aragorn was at first criticized for his arms, but when the elves found out that he was now strong enough to carry their wine barrels around for them, they were very pleased. Boromir spent most of his time in the corner, drinking beer and looking at the – _his _Ring.

Suddenly the doors across the room burst open, and in walked Chris P. Bacon.

'No,' Aragorn slowly murmured as someone appeared from behind Chris P. Bacon.

'There has once again been a miracle!' Chris P. Bacon shouted.

'No no no no,' Aragorn repeated.

'Here is Matilda, and behold; SHE IS ALIVE AGAIN!' Chris P. Bacon screeched, and then stepped away, revealing a beaming Matilda.

Aragorn let out a stream of swears so explicit that if I listed them, I'd have to rate this story as 'M'. So I'll just simply say that he was pissed off.

'Aragorny-Boo!' Matilda squealed, ignoring his curses. She rushed forward and leapt into his arms.

'I now pronounce you husband and wife!' Chris P. Bacon decided, and then he vanished.

'WE ARE NOT MARRIED!' Aragorn yelled, dropping Matilda onto the ground. Then he caught a glance of his hand – there was a ring on it. 'WHAT? NO NO NO NO!'

He attempted to rip it off, but it was stuck on like glue.

'I do!' Matilda shrieked, a bit late. She jumped up and kissed Aragorn passionately (although it kind of looked like she was attempting to eat off his chin).

'GET. OFF. OF. ME!' Aragorn bellowed, pushing away Matilda. 'I HATE YOUUUUU!'

By this point the elves had slowly wandered off, not really wanting to be a part of the commotion. That left just Aragorn, Matilda, Boromir, and Legolas in the room.

'Maybe we should help out Aragorn?' Legolas suggested to Boromir.

'Such a lovely little thing – my precious!' Boromir declared, holding up the Ring.

'Or…or not,' Legolas sighed.

Meanwhile, Matilda was listing off the names that she wanted to name their children. She was holding Aragorn in place using Sue-magic.

'What do you think, Gorny-Bookins?' she asked, batting her eyelashes.

'I want to tear out your heart and eat it,' Aragorn said through clenched teeth.

'So romantic!' said Chris P. Bacon, suddenly appearing. 'Oh, Matilda, I came here to warn you that the elves are planning on killing you. I have no idea why! Stupid elves!'

'Pff, I can handle that,' Matilda assured him. She waved her hand and suddenly hundreds of meteorites fell from the sky.

'DID YOU JUST KILL ALL OF THE ELVES?!' Aragorn shouted.

'No, I didn't kill Legolas, did I?' Matilda replied defensively. 'The rest are dead, though.'

'You are soooo smart!' Chris P. Bacon sighed.

'I know, right?' Matilda agreed as Aragorn struggled to fight off the Sue-magic long enough to strangle her. 'I guess we don't need to be here anymore. Let's skip to a good part!'

Suddenly they were on a patch of land next to the river Anduin.

'Something important happens in this bit,' Matilda realised. 'It was in the movies…but I forget.'

Aragorn stormed off by the river and seriously considered drowning himself the next time that Matilda wasn't looking. Then he realised that he would be brought back by Chris P. Bacon once he died, and besides – Matilda would never leave him long enough for him to have the chance of drowning. If he tried now, she'd save him with Sue-magic. He sighed and flopped onto the ground.

'Something really important happens here,' Matilda said, trying to think. She then saw Aragorn lying on the ground, saw what an opportunity this was, and laid down next to him. She gave him a "seductive" wink.

Suddenly she was in the river – Aragorn had grabbed her and tossed her in. She came up screamed about how she couldn't swim, and in her confusion she forgot to use her Sue-magic. She fell off of the Falls of Rauros with a scream.

Aragorn was so happy that he paid no attention to Boromir's horn. Consequently, the Gondorian was slaughtered by orcs, but thankfully Legolas was near enough to snatch up the Ring before the orcs could get it.

'Aragorn, Boromir had died!' Legolas shouted as he returned to where Aragorn was now dancing.

'MATILDA IS DEAD!' Aragorn exclaimed happily.

Legolas then started to dance too. They were so happy that they didn't notice Matilda landing next to them until she gave a small cough.

'I can fly, you know,' she reminded them. 'Gorny-boo, you have a weird way of showing love.'

_UP NEXT – WILL MATILDA EVER DIE PERMANENTLY? WILL LEGOLAS SURVIVE? WILL THE RING BE DESTROYED? WAIT AND SEE!_

**Kay, so, this mini-series is actually going to end soon O.O I have nooo idea one what's up next. I guess we'll all have to see.**

**Matilda is very destructive. She probably could be labelled as a "Natural Disaster". APPLY COLD WATER TO THAT BURN, MATILDA! **

**Thanks to two guests and Cheetahstar for reviewing! **


	11. Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die 8

**Matilda, the Mary-Sue Who Wouldn't Die**

**Part 8**

'I HATE EVERYONE!' Aragorn shouted in rage. He then picked up a nearby rock and tried to bash his head in.

'Stop being so dramatic, Gorny-Boo!' Matilda exclaimed, staying his hand using Sue-Magic. 'Wait…where is Boromore?'

'Borom_ir_ is dead,' Legolas told her sadly.

'Oh. Right. That's the important thing that happened here!' Matilda giggled. 'Whoopsie daisy.'

'I have the Ring now, Aragorn,' Legolas said, disturbed by Matilda's comments.

'GOOD FOR YOU!' Aragorn yelled irritably.

'You're making my Aragorn unhappy!' Matilda said angrily to Legolas. The elf was suddenly hit by a meteorite, and the last elf to ever live in Middle-earth was killed.

'I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO KILL HIM!' Aragorn bellowed, staring at the charred remains of Legolas.

'Oh well,' Matilda said with a shrug. Then she gave a wicked grin. 'We're alone now…'

'Get. Away. From. Me.' Aragorn said shortly. He scooped the Ring into his hand from the crater. 'We need to go to Mordor.'

'Right!' Matilda said. 'But we should…continue later.'

She then pulled her GPS out of her pocket.

'Can't you just transport us to Mount Doom?' Aragorn asked exasperatedly.

'You don't want to travel to Mordor with me? There would be plenty of time for sexual tension and romance!' Matilda squawked.

'I'll pass,' Aragorn hissed.

'Fine. I guess after the Ring is destroyed we can be…alone with each other,' Matilda said with a wink. Then they were abruptly in Mount Doom, standing on a rock over the magma. 'Toss the Ring into the fires of Mount Foom!'

'It's Mount _D_oom, idiot,' Aragorn puffed. But suddenly he had an idea. 'How about you have the honours, my…dear?'

'SO ROMANTIC!' Matilda squealed. She plucked the Ring from Aragorn's hand and stepped forwards to do the deed.

With a roar, Aragorn pushed Matilda off the rock. She screamed as she fell, remembering her wings too late.

'YES!' Aragorn shouted as her body and the Ring were swallowed up by the lava. 'If _anything _could kill her, it'd be that!'

But then Aragorn started to worry about Chris P. Bacon. Would the fairy be able to bring back Matilda even though she died in Mount Doom? He hoped not.

As he worried, he didn't notice that the volcano looked ready to erupt. Suddenly magma flew upwards, and suddenly poor Aragorn became very crispy.

**X**

When Aragorn woke up, he was in a very pink room. The ground was a disgusting rose colour, and the walls were splatted with pink paint. He got up and groaned, realising that he had no shirt on.

'Where the hell am I?' Aragorn asked the thin air.

'GORNY-BOOKINS!' came a happy voice from behind him. Suddenly arms wrapped around his shoulders. 'WE'RE IN THE AFTERLIFE TOGETHER!'

Then the sound of a harp being played sounded across the room. Aragorn turned and saw that Matilda was standing in front of him, wearing very little.

'WE SHALL NEVER BE APART NOW!' Matilda squealed. 'We're in a room with a door, but I destroyed the key. We shall forever be together!'

Aragorn shakily looked up. Chris P. Bacon was fluttering above them all, playing a harp and wearing only a skimpy tutu.

'Now, about that sexual tension I was talking about…' Matilda said with a wink.

'No no no no!' Aragorn cried out finally, backing up.

'Can I watch?' Chris P. Bacon asked hopefully.

'_No no no no!_'

'Sure; you could even join!' Matilda suggested.

'_**NO!**_'

_The End :)_

**Poor, poor Aragorn. He will forever be stuck in the afterlife with Matilda and Chris P. Bacon.**

**MORAL OF THE STORY: Never make Mary Sues. They kill people. **_**Lots **_**of people.**

**AND THANKS TO Tatharwen315 for following, and to radishesandspectraspects and Cheetahstar for reviewing!**

**I HAVE NO IDEA ON WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT NOW…yeah. I need to think of new ideas. In the meantime, maybe you could see my other stories.*nudge nudge, wink wink***

**Hopefully none of you were expecting a happy ending for this mini-story. Unless your definition of a happy ending is a poor man being stuck in a blindingly pink room with the most annoying girl ever born and a half-naked man who can fly and is playing the harp off-key. In which case, I'm glad I've made you happy! **

**See y'all next time xD**


	12. Merry and Pippin Prank Call Mordor

**Merry and Pippin Prank Call Mordor**

Phones don't exist in Middle-earth…usually. But somehow, Merry and Pippin came across a little cell phone in their camp next to the Anduin and decided to use it.

Due to powers unknown (a.k.a, lack of explanation), Pippin somehow knew Sauron's number. The two hobbits decided that they should definitively prank call the Dark Lord.

'This is the best idea ever!' Merry said in a low tone as Pippin quickly dialed in a number. They had snuck away from the others and were hiding behind a bush.

_Ring. Ring._

'Hello?' a cold voice suddenly asked on the other line.

'Um…' Pippin said; he sort of hadn't expected for Sauron to pick up. 'I saw your online ad for…your used cantaloupe?'

There was a long silence on the other end.

'What?' Sauron asked at length.

'Your used cantaloupe,' Pippin repeated. 'You put it on…erm…craigslist…'

'I'm allergic to cantaloupe,' Sauron replied haughtily. 'And why would anyone want _used _fruit?!'

'Erm…'

'Stupid kids,' Sauron snapped before hanging up.

'Wow, Pip, you suck at prank calling,' Merry said with a frown. '_Used cantaloupe_? Honestly?'

'Why don't you try, then, if you're so good at it,' Pippin said, feeling rather abashed.

'I will,' Merry said indignantly, grabbing the cell phone and hitting "redial".

'What now?!' Sauron questioned angrily on the other end.

'The baby is yours,' Merry said in a very high-pitched voice.

There was another long silence. Sauron eventually coughed awkwardly and hung up.

'That was the most awkward thing I've ever experienced,' Pippin stated.

'I didn't expect that reaction,' Merry said, a little disturbed. 'Your turn, Pip…'

Pippin unhappily took the phone and redialed the number.

'What do you want?' Sauron's voice asked.

'I'd like to order a medium sized cheese pizza with extra anchovies and…corndogs?' Pippin said, as if asking a question.

'This isn't a pizza place,' Sauron sighed.

'And I'd like the sauce to be made out of baby orc flesh,' Pippin decided.

Once again there was a pregnant silence.

'Dude, that's disgusting,' Sauron finally managed to say.

'I'd also like some cheesy garlic bread!' Pippin said hurriedly as Sauron hung up. 'Now I'm hungry.'

'Hopefully not for baby orc flesh sauce,' Merry said, sticking out his tongue. 'My turn.'

_Ring. Ri-_

'WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WAAAANT?' Sauron shouted into the other line.

'Congratulations,' Merry began, 'you have won a trip to Paris!'

'I DON'T CAAAARE!'

'You will stay in a lovely hotel overlooking Champs-Elysées whilst eating lovely French fries and -,'

'I'M ALLERGIC TO FRENCH FRIES!'

'Fine. You can enjoy some lovely French toast.'

'I'M ALLERGIC TO FRENCH TOAST TOO!' Sauron roared before hanging up.

'Where's Paris?' Pippin asked at length.

'I dunno,' Merry shrugged.

'Do they actually eat French fries and French toast there?' Pippin asked skeptically.

'How should I know?' Merry said, throwing his hands into the air. 'Google it or something.'

'What's Google?'

Merry facepalmed.

'Have the phone,' Merry sighed, tossing Pippin the phone. 'Try and think of something original.'

Pippin redialed the number.

'STOP. CALLING. ME!' Sauron shouted.

'Um…I'd like to take a shower,' Pippin said.

There was another awkward pause.

'What…?' Sauron finally asked.

'_What should I say?_' Pippin hissed over to Merry. '_This is getting awkward!_'

'Who _is _this?' Sauron asked.

'_Pip, think!_' Merry whispered back.

Pippin slammed the phone onto his mouth and made a beeping noise. '_Beep. Beep. _You have reached the voicemail of Peregrin Took. I am unable to take your call at the moment, seeing as I am currently on a quest to destroy the One Ring and -,'

'PIPPIN!' Merry shrieked.

'Oh no! Oh no! Did I say destroy the One Ring? I meant destroy the…One Orangutan! Yeah! Common misconception! Not the One Ring! Not going to Mordor! Not a hobbit! Not going to destroy Sauron! ARAGORN IS GOING TO KILL ME! I'm not on a quest! Go away! Have a nice day! Please leave a message at the sound of the tone!' Pippin squealed before quickly ending the call. 'ARAGORN IS GOING TO KILL MEEEEE!'

Just then, Aragorn popped up. 'What am I going to do?'

He then saw the cell phone. 'Have you made any calls with that?'

'No…' said Merry guiltily.

'Alright…' Aragorn said, not believing him. 'Just remember that people can track calls and find out where you are. Be careful with who you call!'

Then Aragorn walked away.

'We're all going to die,' Merry said in a hushed tone as Pippin curled up in the fetal position and began to whimper.

_THE END_

**Moral of the story: Don't be an idiot.**

**I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN AWHILE BECAUSE I HAVE HAD NO IDEAS. But I was up really late last night and I was like "Heeeeeeey, Merry and Pippin should prank call Mordor!" This was really funny in my sleep-deprived state. Hopefully it turns out just as funny during the daytime.**

**Thanks to Tatharwen315, Midnight Archer 13, a guest, Cheetahstar, and Archet for reviewing, Midnight Archer 13 for favouriting, and Archet for following! Sorry for the waaaait.**

**See y'all next time!**


	13. Moments with The Fellowship if Sam

_WARNING:_

_This is going to be the most stupid thing you will ever read._

_You've read a Mary Sue fic?_

_This is going to be worse._

_You've read a fic where Frodo becomes pregnant because he ate some pie?_

_This is going to be worse._

_It makes no sense._

_I don't know why I wrote this._

_I'm actually a bit proud/scared of how stupid it is._

_Don't expect to be impressed._

**Moments with The Fellowship if Sam was a Cat.**

**Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin are hiding from a Black Rider:**

Frodo: We have to be quiet.

Sam: MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWWW!

Frodo: Damn.

**At the council of Elrond:**

Elrond: The Ring must be destroyed.

*sudden retching noise*

Frodo: Sam, don't eat the Ring!

*Sam vomits up the Ring*

Frodo: He does that sometimes.

**On Caradhras:**

Frodo: Don't worry, Sam, the snow isn't too cold!

*Sam doesn't like the snow and climbs onto Frodo*

Frodo: Sam, get your claws out of my face.

**In the Mines of Moria:**

Gimli: Balin is dead! *starts to cry*

*Sam pees on Balin's tomb*

Frodo: He does that a lot too.

**In**** Lothlórien****: **

Lady Galadriel: Welcome to Lothlórien! You all must be very hungry, so –

Sam: I can has cheezburger?

Galadriel: It…can talk?

Frodo: Yeah. He does that a lot.

**When Boromir dies:**

*they are putting Boromir's body into the boat*

*Sam has a hairball during the ceremony*

Frodo: He does that.

Aragorn: Shouldn't you have left yet?

Frodo: Right.

**When Gollum leads them to Mordor:**

Gollum: Master, we has caught you a surprises!

Frodo: What is it?

*Gollum holds up Sam*

Frodo: Gollum, we cannot eat Sam!

*pause*

Frodo: Although he does look tasty…

**In Shelob's lair:**

Frodo: Gollum has betrayed us! We must be quiet, Sam; I sense a dark presence!

Sam: MEOW MEOW MEOW MEREIRWJOREJIWRJWOAJO

Frodo: Damn.

**Throwing the Ring into Mordor:**

Frodo: I don't know if I can do it, Sam!

*Gollum hits Frodo, making Frodo drop the Ring into the lava*

*the Ring is shiny, so Sam jumps after it*

*R.I.P Sam*

**I told you this was going to be stupid.**

**Poor Sam the cat.**

**This is what happens when I am sleep deprived.**

**I am posting this because the story needs to be updated probably now because I'm going away for a while and won't be able to update for some time.**

**So, anywhooo, hopefully you guys found this chapter slightly amusing. Although I doubt it xD**

**Thanks to Petaldawn and Eaglistic for following, Eaglistic and Krissy001 for favouriting, and The NCISElf, radishesandspectraspects, Archet, reviewer, daddys number 1 girl, and MysticRoseDrop for reviewing. This chapter has probably weirded everyone out. WE CAN ONLY GET BETTER FROM HERE!**

**Anyways. I'm super tired. I'm probably going to regret posting this. Oh well. See y'all next timeeee!**


	14. Hobbit vs Wild

**This is based loosely off of the show **_**Man vs. Wild**_**. I got to update sooner than I thought I was going to :D Yaaay!**

* * *

**Hobbit vs. Wild**

_Scene starts with a helicopter view of Frodo, Sam, and Gollum walking on the ground far below._

Random, dramatic voice: We meet our host in the barren landscape of MORDOR! This bleak landscape is home to terrifying creatures such as orcs, Nazgul, and even THE DARK LORD HIMSELF! Our host, the estimable and well-qualified Frodo Baggins, has gone for weeks without basic needs such as showers, shelter, and *gasp* SECOND BREAKFAST?!

_Scene switches to close-up views of the small group._

Frodo: *in a terrible Australian accent* Right! I've been out here for days now with nothing but some Lembas and a bit of water. If I'm going to survive, I need more food, and quickly!

Sam: Mr. Frodo, you'll survive just fine by eating the Lembas…

Frodo: *ignores Sam* Look over there! *runs over to a bush and picks a spiny caterpillar off of it* I have found a great source of protein! This here is a _Randomly-Namedous Poisonous Bugous_! Judging by the name, I think it is fit to eat.

Sam: Mr. Frodo, don't eat that! Here, have some Lembas instead!

Frodo: *ignores Sam* As you can see, it is secreting goopy green liquid that smells bad! Perhaps it will taste as good as butter; I shall find out!

Gollum: *quickly appears with two rabbits* Master, don't eat the bugses! It's poison! Here, eat these! Don't eat the nasty bugses!

Frodo: Huzzah! *grabs the rabbits from Gollum* I have just caught some wild hare! I shall show you all how to properly skin them so that you don't catch the dreaded penicillin virus!

Sam: Master…penicillin is medicine…

Frodo: *unsheathes Sting* Using this knife, I shall properly skin the rabbits! *attempts to skin a rabbit and ends up cutting off the entire back part of it, as well as its head; this all falls onto the ground and gets covered in grossness* Erm…cut to ads!

* * *

**RING-A-CLEAN**

**Do you want your ring,**

**To look a-sparkling?**

**Then buy Ring-A-Clean,**

**And the ring will gleam!**

**Available at:**

**ORCS-R-US**

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_TIME TO CELEBRATE!_

_Because you're cool…_

…_when you eat…_

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_Yeah._

_Our advertisement creator kind of quit on us._

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* * *

Frodo: Welcome back! I have successfully skinned the rabbits with no help from my fellow adventurers! *shifty eyes*

Gollum: We helped - *Frodo slaps his hand over Gollum's mouth*

Frodo: SO NOW THAT THESE RABBITS ARE SKINNED, IT IS TIME TO COOK THEM! *Frodo holds up a pot* I…I made this out of rock a few seconds ago. Real, strong, and cool men don't use premade pots and pans!

Random, dramatic voice: WHAT HE MEANS TO SAY IS THAT…real, strong, and cool PEOPLE don't use premade pots and pans! Don't send us emails with complaints about sexism. Please. Our ratings are bad enough and –

Frodo: DUDE, STOP TALKING! Anyways, look! I – all by myself *shifty eyes* - made a rabbit stew!

Sam: I made it…

Frodo: HE ONLY SORT OF HELPED! He only knew the recipe…and how to season meat…and how to boil water…and…I DID THE REST! Anyways, here's the stew. A real, strong, cool man eats raw meat, but –

Random, dramatic, worried voice: REAL, STRONG, COOL _PEOPLE_!

Frodo: - but I don't want to risk getting the dreaded penicillin virus!

Sam: …do you even know what you're talking about?

Frodo: *speaks loudly over Sam* A-ALAS! I have a sudden thirst! I n-need water!

Sam: We have a bit left, master…

Frodo: I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING! I need to go find some water!

Gollum: There's no water goods enough to drinks, master!

Frodo: LOOK OVER THERE! There's a bog!

Gollum: Don't drinks that, master!

Frodo: *runs over to the bog* Before you drink strange water, you need to do the Tasty-Test! If the water is tasty, it must be safe!

Gollum: Don't drinks! You mustn't drinks, _gollum_!

Frodo: *tries the water* Mmmm, must be safe! *drinks three litres*

Sam: Master!

Gollum: Master!

Frodo: Why is my tongue tingling?

**THE END**

**Thank-you for watching our program! Hopefully you have enjoyed all three episodes that have been aired! Sadly, for reasons that you can probably guess, the show has been canceled. **

_**Director:**_

**Chris P. Bacon**

_**Voiceover:**_

**Legolas Greenleaf**

_**Host:**_

**Frodo Baggins**

**(R.I.P.)**

_**Additional Characters:**_

**Sam Gamgee**

**Gollum**

_**Cameramen:**_

Random, dramatic, politically correct voice: CAMERA_PEOPLE_!

**Anita Life**

**Seymour Butts**

**Anita Bath**

**Produced by the Pointless Moving-Pictures Company!**

**WARNING: Don't drink strange water. All scenes were depicted for entertainment purposes.**

Only one hobbit was killed when filming. That's a record!

* * *

**Moral of the story: Don't be an idiot.**

**Soooo I probably could've not posted the last story judging by this update. Oh well. Some of you appeared to not mind it…? I guess some of you guys are as strange as I am xD**

**Thanks to Ghost, QUEENOFTHEDEMONS, radishesandspectraspects, Saren-Dipety, Archet, Krissy001, MysticRoseDrop, Elglor Stargold, and Cheetahstar for reviewing, and to Chocolate Luvah for favouritingggggg.**

**GUYS, THIS STORY HAS 44 REVIEWS! Gaaahahsdgsdish, that's a loooot for a compilation for weeeird ficlets. Thank-you to you all!**

**Alrighty. See y'all next time :D**


	15. Road Trip with The Fellowship 1

_What if The Fellowship randomly went on a road trip on a bus with no heating, seatbelts, windowpanes, or a reputable driver? Oh, and the brakes are shot…_

_Enjoy :)_

**ROAD TRIP WITH THE FELLOWSHIP 1/3**

'Are we there yet?' Pippin whined.

'Dude, we haven't even gotten on the bus yet,' Merry sighed, rolling his eyes. 'If you keep on saying that, I will rip out your lungs.'

'Uncle Legolas, Merry wants to rip out my lungs!' Pippin shrieked.

'I'm not your uncle, and you're old enough to fend for yourself,' Legolas groaned.

'Who's even the bus driver?' Aragorn randomly asked.

They (The Fellowship) all looked around. They were situated on an empty street with plenty of trees, a bus, themselves, and nothing else.

'Maybe one of those trees is Treebeard…and maybe he's our bus driver!' Pippin decided.

'How would Treebeard even fit into the bus?' Merry asked. He then got a strange look on his face. 'How did we even get here? And…how do we even know what a bus is?'

'Hush,' Aragorn said sternly, 'do not question the ways of Eru.'

'I'm preeeetty sure that Eru didn't plan out this whole road trip thing,' Frodo said skeptically.

'Are you questioning my faith?' Aragorn asked angrily.

'What? No, no, don't take it like that!' Frodo cried out in vexation.

'You're racist!' Aragorn spat.

'I'm not – wait, that makes no sense,' Frodo said, raising an eyebrow.

'And now you're being claustrophobic. You're so offensive,' Aragorn hissed, folding his arms.

'I can't even come up with a reply to that,' Frodo said at length.

'You just did, you arachnophobic hobbit!' Aragorn yelled to the sky.

'Don't mind him, sir, he read some pages of a phobia dictionary and now uses them as insults,' Sam said to Frodo kindly. 'He says I have vestiphobia.'

'He needs a life,' Frodo said, although he couldn't be heard, for at that moment Gimli suddenly fell from the sky.

'AND I'M FREE, I'M FREE FAAAALLLIN',' Gimli screamed, his face deeply imbedded in gravel.

'That was quite the arrival,' Legolas said, poking his friend with his shoe.

'Wait until you see Boromir's entrance!' Gimli said cheerfully, raising his head up.

'But Boromir is dead,' Legolas said.

A skeleton in a boat fell from the sky.

Aragorn burst into tears. 'ERU, WHY ARE YOU DOING THISSSSSS?!'

'This is disturbing. Let's get out of here,' Frodo said, feeling sick.

'But nobody can drive!' Sam cried out.

'Oh, that's why _I'm _here!' Gimli shouted with glee.

'You can…drive?' Legolas asked.

'Yep!' Gimli replied cheerfully.

'Remember that one time we were at an arcade and you were driving in a video game? Remember how you literally were pushing the gas pedal so hard that your car became a rocket and blasted into a senior home?' Legolas asked, looking slightly disturbed.

'And then afterwards I ended up getting the end bit of the car chopped off by a train and I had no control over the car, so I skidded into a lake and ended up dying in an epic explosion full of car parts and charred dentures. That was _one _time, Legolas,' Gimli said huffily. 'Besides, I looked up how to drive on WikiAnswers yesterday. I'm totally qualified.'

'Seems legit,' Pippin said. It was hard to tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

'Fine, let's go. W-wait…where are we even going?' Legolas suddenly realised.

'To a mountain,' Gimli replied knowledgably.

'Is this going to be some stupid dwarf adventure? Bilbo's already gone on one. We shouldn't repeat plots,' Frodo put in.

'Shut up. We're not going to fight for gold, we're going to go boat-snow-surfing!' said Gimli. 'That's why we need Boromir's boat.'

'Yes, but Boromir – or, at least his bones – is still _in _the boat,' Legolas said.

Gimli walked over to the boat, kicked it over, and let the bones fall onto the pavement.

'Merry and Pippin, cover those up with some twigs!' Gimli instructed.

'People are going to find those and get freaked out,' Legolas said worriedly as Merry and Pippin kicked a few branches over the skeleton.

'Dude, relax, I know how to hide a body; I researched it last night,' Gimli said with a grin.

'WikiAnswers isn't very trustworthy,' Legolas said grimly.

'Don't worry, I used Yahoo! Answers this time,' Gimli assured the elf.

When the bones were covered enough to Gimli's satisfaction, and the boat had been secured to the roof of the bus (they had used some rope that Sam had), he led them all into the bus. It was a very old bus; the seats were cracked and repaired with duct tape, there were no window panes (there was much glass on the floor, though), the seatbelts had been torn off, and the floor wasn't level.

'This doesn't seem safe,' Frodo said skeptically, sitting on a cushion and nearly falling through it.

'Don't worry, the guy that I bought this from said that there are only a few cosmetic problems,' Gimli said, getting into the driver's seat.

'There's blood on my seat!' Pippin squeaked, pointing to a streak of dried red that ran along a cushion.

'Probably just Kool-Aid!' Gimli told the hobbit.

'There are burn marks on _my _seat,' Aragorn said stiffly.

That was a bit of an understatement – half of the seat was gone and the other half was practically charcoal.

'This doesn't seem safe,' Legolas said with a frown as Gimli turned on the bus.

'Listen to the engine – it purrs like a kitten!' Gimli said happily.

'A kitten getting its tonsils removed next to a microphone, maybe,' Merry stated grimly as the bus started to chug down the road.

Immediately after starting to drive, Gimli crashed into a tree.

'Twenty points!' Gimli shouted, pumping his fist into the air.

'Gimli, this isn't like a video game,' Legolas said worriedly. 'You don't get points.'

'Right, kay, whatever,' Gimli sighed, backing up. Or, at least, trying to back up. He ended up hitting the gas instead and ramming the car further into the tree.

There was the sound of splintering wood, and the large oak tree came toppling down across the road, narrowly missing hitting the bus. Large chunks of wood flew in through the windows.

'That must have been worth _some _points,' Gimli decided.

'Gimli,' Legolas said through gritted teeth, 'there was a wasp nest in that tree.'

Several dozen wasps were now flying through the bus, clamping onto faces and hands and stinging them painfully.

'IT'S ON MY LEG!' Sam cried out, waving his hands around as a particularly large wasp stung at his knee.

'Hold on!' Gimli shouted, pushing the gas pedal down as far as it could go.

The bus shot over the remaining oak stump and started pushing through the enormous amounts of underbrush in the forest. Torn up bits of ferns came pouring through the front window like water, and more chunks of plants came in through the side windows. Gimli, with a small area to look through, did the best he could to avoid hitting any trees. Eventually, after a few minutes of The Fellowship squashing wasps and pushing the foliage back out of the bus, Gimli directed the vehicle out of the forest (knocking down a few small trees as he did so) and back onto the road. There was a long silence as he continued to drive.

'We literally just drove through a forest,' Legolas said at length.

'That was almost as epic as that one time at the arcade,' Gimli said cheerfully.

'We. Could've. Died.' Aragorn said slowly. 'Eru, why did you send me upon such a trip?'

'Look at my poor leg!' Sam whimpered, holding up his swollen leg.

'Suck it up, buttercup,' Gimli said as he narrowly avoided driving the bus into a ravine. 'Hey, anyone want anything to eat? I think I want something from a drive-thru, if I can find one.'

'I don't think it'd be wise to drive through a small area with a bus,' Legolas said, 'especially with you driving, Gimli.'

'I'll be fine; relax!' Gimli said, waving both of his hands to calm Legolas down, which caused the bus to nearly steer into an oncoming van.

'Famous last words,' Legolas groaned.

**So hopefully this all made sense-ish. My mind is currently muddled up a bit because for one I woke up very early, and secondly I had an appointment today which had me take some medicine-ish-stuff-that-is-hard-to-explain and now my brain is jumbled. So hopefully this chapter makes some sense xD**

**Thanks to Snowflakesandsunshine, Aviajja, kaylaswift2815, MysticRoseDrop, the Random Olliphaunt, Elglor Stargold, and HiveQueen for followinggg! Thanks to Snowflakesandsunshine, Aviajja, kaylaswift2815, MysticRoseDrop, the Random Olliphaunt, Elglor Stargold, and HiveQueen for favouriting! Thanks to The NCISElf, Krissy001, Saren-Dipety, Cheetahstar, Elglor Stargold, Archet, and radishesandspectraspects for reviewing!**

**THERE ARE 51 REVIEWS ON THIS STORY :O That's a loooooot. Thank-you guys :D **

**See y'all next time!**


	16. Road Trip with The Fellowship 2

**ROAD TRIP WITH THE FELLOWSHIP 2/3**

'THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROUND; THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND, ALL THROUGH THE TOWN!' Gimli sang cheerfully as he smashed the side of the bus into a mailbox.

'Gimli,' Legolas said sternly, 'you need to be more careful now that we're in a populated area.'

'What do you mean? I _am _being careful,' Gimli said indignantly as he ran over a recycling box.

'You're not even driving on the road,' Aragorn put in.

'I am!' Gimli replied haughtily.

'We're driving on grass,' Aragorn said, looking down out of his window. 'Oh – now we're driving on someone's rose bush.'

'Stop being so critical!' Gimli squawked. 'This is harder than it looks!'

Gimli rounded a corner, nearly flipping the bus over, and saw a restaurant less than a kilometre away.

'What do people want to eat?' Gimli asked loudly.

'You're in the wrong lane,' Legolas said slowly.

'A statement isn't a food group, Legolas,' Gimli told the elf.

'GIMLI, WATCH OUT!' Legoas shouted as the bus headed towards an oncoming transport truck. Thankfully, Gimli swerved out of the way just in time, only scraping a large hole in the canister that the truck was hauling.

'What do you think was in that container?' Gimli wondered as he continued to speed down the road.

'It said "DANGER: FLAMMABLE",' Pippin said worriedly.

A few seconds later there was a loud explosion noise down the road behind the bus.

'Sweet baby Eru, that did _not _sound good,' Aragorn said nervously.

A large chunk of metal suddenly punched a hole through the roof of the bus and dented the floor. It was very charred.

'I'm sure I had nothing to do with that,' said Gimli. 'Things explode all the time. It's very common.'

Suddenly he swerved off of the road and into the parking lot of the restaurant. He did this so suddenly that everyone flew off of their seats, and Pippin nearly fell out of a window. He was saved by Sam, who grabbed onto his foot as Gimli tried to find the restaurant's drive-thru.

'WHERE IS THE DRIVE-THRU?!' Gimli yelled at length.

'Erm, Gimli, this is a _fancy _restaurant. It doesn't have a drive-thru,' Legolas explained.

'THEN I SHALL MAKE ONE!' Gimli decided loudly.

'What -,' Legolas began, but he was cut short by the sudden acceleration of the vehicle.

Gimli plowed the bus into one of the building's many glass windows. Pippin almost gotten impaled by a large glass shard, but Sam pulled him back into the bus just in the nick of time.

'WHAT THE HELL, GIMLI?!' Legolas shouted as glass shot into the bus through the front window.

Gimli ignored the elf and looked around the room that the bus was now in. There were many overturned tables and chairs, as well as several mortified people staring at him. He smiled and waved.

'I'd like a double – no, make that triple – cheeseburger with extra cheese. Like, extra, _extra _cheese. Like, a few blocks of cheese. And Diet Pepsi, please; I don't want to be too unhealthy,' Gimli told them, and then looked at the back of the bus. 'PIPPIN, MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER NOW?'

'I'd like to not die,' Pippin whimpered.

'Well aren't you easy to please,' Gimli said with a frown. He turned back to the terrified people. 'Pip back there probably would like a doughnut. He seems like a wimp, so I'm assuming that he doesn't eat anything _but _doughnuts.'

'That makes no sense -,' Legolas began, but Gimli interrupted.

'Mr. Barbie back there probably wants a salad, seeing as he's a vegan.'

'I'm not vegan!' Legolas said defensively. 'I'm _vegetarian_; there's a difference!'

'Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe; spoon, sp-aw-n; they're all the same to me,' Gimli said with a shrug.

'Nobody says "spawn" when they mean "spoon",' Legolas pointed out.

Gimli looked grim. 'Put some beef on his salad. And turkey. And chicken wings. AND THE BLOOD OF TWENTY CHILDREN!'

There was a pregnant silence.

'I don't want to be on this bus anymore…' Merry said at length.

'Shut up, kid,' Gimli commanded.

'Sir, we do not take orders from people who drive through our windows,' a waiter in the room finally said.

'Dude, why not?' Gimli asked unhappily.

'Just…because,' the waiter said.

'Wow, this is the worst customer service ever,' Gimli stated. 'I am never coming here again!'

The waiter didn't seem too sad about Gimli's last declaration.

'Kay guys, let's get out of here,' Gimli sighed. He attempted to back out of the restaurant, but somehow he ended up pressing down the gas and flying through the building and out through another window.

'STOP THAT!' Legolas shouted as Gimli veered back onto the road. 'YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!'

'Legolas, stop worrying,' Gimli instructed the elf.

'Gimli, you're such an anthophobic,' Aragorn said angrily.

'Aragorn, you don't even know what that means,' Gimli said with a grimace.

'IT MEANS…SOMETHING!' Aragorn shouted before flinging himself onto a seat and bursting into tears.

'This road trip is a disaster,' Frodo commented.

'Look, I found some serviettes in the glove compartment!' Gimli suddenly cried out. He triumphantly turned around in his seat and displayed them proudly to his passengers.

'GIMLI, FOCUS ON THE DAMN ROAD!' Legolas shouted as the bus started to careen into a cornfield.

Gimli went back to facing the front and quickly snapped the bus back into place. 'Dude, don't swear in front of the hobbits!'

'I'll remind you of that if and when you get road rage,' Legolas said.

'Hey, who wants to listen to the radio?' Gimli unexpectedly asked. Without waiting for any replies, he turned it on.

The radio was very crackly, so he turned the volume up higher and searched through the stations. Eventually he found an old rock station. He turned the volume up to the very highest level and began to sing terribly.

'Going down, party time; my friends are going to be there toooooooo…' Gimli chimed in.

'Oh dear, sweet Eru -,' Aragorn began.

'I'M ON THE HIGHWAY TO HELL!' Gimli sang/screamed/shouted/sounded-like-he-was-being-mu rdered. 'ON THE HIGHWAY TO HELL! HIGHWAY TO HELL!'

'Don't stop me this time, Sam!' Pippin cried out, lunging for the window.

'I think I'm going with you!' Merry decided as Gimli started to whip his hair and arms around, causing the bus to zigzag across the road.

Legolas, deciding that if this madness didn't stop he'd probably throw himself out of the window too, quickly grabbed an arrow from his quiver and fired it at the dashboard. It hit the radio controls and the music stopped altogether.

'Dude, that was my jam!' Gimli yelled out in rage.

'Just…just keep driving,' Legolas said shakily.

'You can't tell me what to do!' Gimli shouted, folding his arms and shutting his eyes.

'ERU, TAKE ME OUT OF THIS BUS!' Aragorn bellowed as the bus swerved right off of the road, broke through a fence, and started racing through a cow pasture.

'GIMLI, YOU'RE ABOUT TO HIT A COW!' Legolas screeched as the bus narrowly missed a frightened milk cow.

'Apologise to me!' Gimli demanded, still clamping his eyes shut.

'GIMLI, YOU'RE GOING TO HIT A BARN!'

'_Apologise!_'

'HOLY SHIT - FINE! I'M SORRY GIMLI!'

'Good!' Gimli said, opening his eyes. It was too late, though; the bus hit the barn and pushed through the wooden siding. It then flew into a haystack. A few bales came in through the front windshield.

'GIMLI, I HATE YOUUUU!' Aragorn and Legolas both shouted at the same time as a few frightened chickens came in through the windows.

'THERE'S NOW A PIG IN THE BUS!' Pippin squealed. 'IT HAS MY LEG!'

'Hold on!' Gimli shouted, pushing the gas pedal as far down as it would go. The bus shot out the other end of the barn and coasted across a bare field before it met up with a dirt road. Gimli then slowed down. 'Get the animals out of my bus before they ruin it!'

Pippin managed to get the pig to stop biting his leg long enough to drop it out of the window. It ran off squealing, accompanied by the many chickens.

'Can I go too?' Pippin asked hopefully.

'No,' Gimli said shortly. 'Now, I think we're getting close to the mountain! The terrain is going to get bad, so buckle your seatbelts everybody!'

'There aren't any seatbelts…' Frodo pointed out.

'Well…that sucks,' Gimli said shortly before speeding off down the road.

**Disclaimer: I don't own the song **_**Highway to Hell **_**that was used in this chapter, nor the song **_**Free Fallin' **_**that was used in the last chapter. I also don't own LOTR. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that you already knew all of these things.**

**Thanks to Petaldawn, Krissy001, Saren-Dipety, The NCISElf, RandomFandom5, AvianSunrise, Elglor Stargold, and Lady Merilhith of Lorien for reviewing, to MoonlightPrancing for favouriting, and to AvianSunrise and MoonlightPrancing for followingggg! :D Guys, this story has 59 reviewsss :O That's amazinggg!**

**Alrighty, see y'all next time :D**


	17. Road Trip with The Fellowship 3

**ROAD TRIP WITH THE FELLOWSHIP 3/3**

'Gimli, for the love of Eru, WOULD YOU STOP DRIVING PURPOSEFULLY INTO TREES?!' Aragorn shouted at the top of his lungs as Gimli hit a small birch tree, causing its branches to fly into the bus.

'They're in my way!' Gimli complained bitterly.

'They wouldn't be in your way IF YOU WERE DRIVING ON THE ROAD!' Legolas shouted in a panicky voice as Gimli took out a juniper.

'The road is too difficult to stay on,' Gimli explained. 'And besides, you might as well get used to off-roading, seeing as where we're going has no roads.'

'What?' Legolas and Aragorn asked in unison.

'We're driving up a mountain. Do you honestly expect there to be a road?' Gimli questioned unhappily, turning around in his seat.

'FOCUS ON DRIVING!' Aragorn shouted as the bus careened to the right and started to take out some fencing.

'Fiiiiine,' Gimli huffed, facing the front again. He flicked the steering wheel and the bus stopped hitting the fence just in time to smash into a road sign. Large chunks of wood and metal chips now entered the bus.

'I HAVE A SLIVER!' Pippin shouted loudly.

'Oh, does the poor baby want a Band-Aid?' Gimli asked in a mock-motherly tone.

'I HAVE A SLIVER _IN MY EYE!_'

'Oh…' Gimli said, trailing off. 'That…sounds painful.'

By the time Pippin finally blinked out the shard of wood, Gimli had found a trail to follow to the mountain. Literally a trail.

'Gimli, you do realise that this is a path for hiking, right?' Legolas asked slowly. 'It's not for driving a bus along.'

'Pfffft,' Gimli said, waving a hand. 'This bus is technically a four-wheeled vehicle. It used to have six wheels, but two broke off a looong time ago. Anyways, this must count as an ATV. This is totally legal.'

So the bus sped down the trail, taking out trees and signs along the way. The path soon started to rise and become rockier. The bus was constantly bouncing up and down.

'GIMLI, WATCH OUT!' Aragorn suddenly shouted as two startled hikers appeared up ahead on the path.

Gimli hit the brakes hard, but nothing happened. 'The brakes don't appear to be working…'

'GIMLI!'

'Hold on!' Gimli shouted, swerving straight into the forest that surrounded the trail. There was a loud crunching noise, and several branches, a few full trees, and a handful of mortified squirrels came in through the bus windows. The bus itself was at an angle; the front end was caught up in the trees, causing The Fellowship members (except for Gimli, who managed to stay seated) to fall against the back of the bus.

'GIMLI, GET THE BUS OUT OF THE TREES!' Legolas shouted as the bus started to get hauled up higher into the foliage.

'Can I reverse, or am I going to hit those stupid hikers?' Gimli asked sourly.

'They're behind the bus right now,' Merry told him.

'GOOD!' Gimli roared, attempting to back out at full speed. Thankfully for the hikers' sakes, he ended up rocketing the bus forwards as he hit the gas pedal without switching gears.

'GIMLI!' Legolas shouted.

'ERU, I HATE YOUUUUUU!' Aragorn bellowed while raising a fist over his head.

The bus leapt into the air, using the trees as a ramp. There was a peaceful second as the bus seemingly hovered over the forest. Then, with resounding snapping noises, the bus smacked back down, landing atop some trees. It stayed there on the uppermost branches, swaying in the wind.

'Wow, I've turned the bus into a tree house!' Gimli said cheerfully, peaking out of his window. 'It would suck if we suddenly fell down.'

'Gimli, you seriously need help,' Frodo said at length as he picked himself off of the floor and made his way back to his seat. The others followed suit.

'How…how are we going to get down?' Sam asked nervously.

'Don't worry about that right now,' Gimli dismissed the thought. 'Just enjoy the views!'

He pointed to a slightly faraway peak in the land. 'That's the mountain I was talking about!'

'And…you're planning to drive up it?' Legolas asked gradually.

'If I can drive up a tree, I can drive up a mountain,' Gimli stated.

'There's a slight height difference between a tree and a mountain,' Legolas said grimly.

'Are you saying that it's not a cool when you're able to drive up a tree?' Gimli asked bitterly.

'I'm just saying that it'll be hard to drive up a mountain with no roads,' Legolas explained.

'YOU DARE RIDICULE MY SKILLS?!' Gimli shouted, slamming his foot onto the gas pedal.

'That's not what I -,' Legolas started to yell back, but he was cut short as the bus' spinning wheels somehow found contact and hurled the bus forwards.

The bus tipped downwards as soon as it left the top of the tree and smashed through branches of a few nearby oaks. There were several screams that erupted, as well as a rude comment about Eru's mother from Aragorn.

The bus hit the ground with a _crunch_, and The Fellowship were thrown forwards, only to be saved from falling out of the front windshield by some shabby airbags that feebly deployed. The bus then lurched back down onto its wheels, taking out a few trees as it finally had all four wheels back on the ground. The airbags sank uselessly to the floor.

'GIMLI, YOU NEED TO STOP THIS!' Legolas hollered as he and the rest of The Fellowship fell into a pile on the floor.

'Hey, look, I found the trail again!' Gimli said cheerfully, ignoring the elf. Without waiting for the others to get seated again, he shot the bus towards the trail, hitting some more trees along the way. 'Now do you question my skills?! We're still alive!'

'I don't think Pippin is,' Frodo commented, poking the hobbit.

'He's probably just unconscious,' Gimli said as the bus arrived at the trail and started to speed up it. 'Or dead.'

'What should we do?' Sam asked worriedly.

'I dunno. Use him as a paperweight, I guess,' Gimli said with a shrug.

'No, how do we save him?' Sam asked, now irately.

'Pour cold water on his face or something,' Gimli told them. 'Now stop bothering me; you're making me drive badly.'

It was at this point that a large moose appeared in the centre of the trail.

'WHY IS THERE A HORSE IN THE FOREST?!' Merry shrieked as Gimli slammed on the brakes.

The bus jolted to a halt, and Pippin's lifeless form flew out through the front windshield. He landed on the moose's antlers and the startled animal sprang into the forest, taking the hobbit with him.

'THE HORSE HAS PIPPIN!' Merry shouted, jumping to his feet and dancing around. Consequently, he stepped on several hands. 'PIPPIN!'

'That was actually a moose,' Gimli corrected him. He then started to drive again.

'We have to go rescue Pippin!' Aragorn exclaimed.

'I'm sure he'll be fine,' Gimli reassured the group.

'He just rode off either unconscious or dead on a moose into a forest in the middle of nowhere,' Frodo said faintly.

'Sounds like Thranduil,' Gimli said quietly to himself. He then spoke loudly. 'That hobbit will be just fine. I'm sure we'll see him soon!'

_Fifteen days later…_

'I still have no idea how this happened,' said Pippin as he sat in the middle of a forest next to a moose.

_Fifteen days before…_

'Anyways, we're getting close to the mountain!' Gimli said excitedly, pointing ahead of them all.

'So, again,_ why_ are we going there?' Aragorn asked.

'To go boat-snow-surfing!' Gimli exclaimed enthusiastically.

'There's no snow on that mountain…' Legolas said slowly.

There was a pregnant silence.

'Well aren't you Mr. Technical-Elf-Dude!' Gimli snapped.

'Does this mean that we don't have to go to the mountain anymore?' Merry asked hopefully.

'WE ARE STILL GOING TO THE MOUNTAIN!' Gimli roared.

_Ten minutes later…_

'Look; THE MOUNTAIN!' Gimli screeched as the trail came to a halt at the base of the steep incline. Gimli, however, didn't stop driving.

The bus crunched into the near vertical cliff and a puff of smoke came up from the engine.

'GIMLI, STOP DOING THIS!' Legolas shrieked as the front of the bus slipped upwards. The front wheels started to spin against the mountain wall, and soon the bus started to tip backwards. 'GIMLI, WE'RE GOING TO -,'

The bus crashed onto its roof, and everyone fell onto the ceiling except for Gimli, who somehow remained seated.

'HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?!' Aragorn yelled as he tried to free himself from under Sam.

'Duct tape,' Gimli explained. 'Hold on now!'

'What are you d-,' Legolas began to whine, but he was cut off as Gimli slammed on the gas.

The wheels of the bus turned like mad, and the engine started to smoke even more.

'Gimli, don't do this!' Legolas exclaimed.

'Shut it, elf!' Gimli commanded, pressing even harder on the gas pedal.

'Eru, I hope you DIE!' Aragorn groaned as the engine burst into flames which started to come in through the front windshield.

'Hold your breath!' Gimli shouted, taking a parcel out of the glove compartment.

'What? Why?' Merry asked anxiously.

Gimli tossed the package into the flames.

There was a loud noise like a rocket taking off, and fire sprayed everywhere. The bus was launched off of the ground in several pieces, and The Fellowship pile was split in midair. They soared high up into the air amidst plumes of smoke and flames. Everyone was shrieking (except for Gimli, who had started to sing _Free Fallin'_ again) as they fell onto a small ledge higher up on the mountain top. The largest chunk of bus that was left continued higher into the air until it exploded. A mushroom cloud of fireworks sparked above the fire, and a charred frame of the bus soared back down to the ground, smoking.

'I forgot about the fireworks,' Gimli said to himself, staring at the colourful explosion above them. He was still taped to his seat which was sitting crookedly on the ground.

'Your beard is on fire,' Legolas said faintly. Gimli looked down.

'So it is!' he said as if commenting on the weather. He patted it out.

'What just happened?' Frodo asked, peeking out from under the mound of hobbits that he was under.

'I threw a bit of TNT into the fire to get the bus back on its wheels,' Gimli explained.

'Why did you even have any TNT?' Legolas asked weakly.

'It came with the bus,' Gimli shrugged. 'So did the fireworks. Is anybody missing?'

'Pippin,' Merry said grimly.

'Ah, he's fine,' Gimli said, waving his hand. He then looked up. 'Oh – Legolas, you might want to move a bit over.'

Legolas stepped to the left and was about to ask why when suddenly Boromir's boat, which was smoking very badly, fell in the spot where he had just been standing.

'MY DREAM SHALL SOON BE A REALITY!' Gimli shouted joyfully. He peeled the duct tape off of himself and stepped down from his chair.

'How are we going to get down off of this ledge?' Legolas asked as Gimli jumped into the charred boat and pushed it with his hands near the edge.

'I know how I'm getting down,' Gimli said smugly. He turned around as he pushed himself over the brink. 'SEE YAH, BITCHES!'

The boat disappeared from view, leaving behind a trail of thick smoke. Gimli's screams of _Free Fallin'_ could be heard as the boat smacked into the ground below and started to slide into the forest.

'He really loves that song,' Merry commented dimly as trees could be seen falling down in the forest below.

'I really hate that dwarf,' Legolas sighed.

'H-how are _we_ going to get down?' Aragorn asked urgently.

There was silence.

'Like I said,' Legolas groaned, 'I _really _hate that dwarf.'

**So this took FOREVER TO UPDATE. I'M SORRYY D: I won't even say my reasons because I deserve to get yelled at. Sorry sorry sorry sorry x infinity.**

**On the plus side, I've had some time to think of new chapter ideas, so the next chapter should be up relatively soon.**

**Thanks to Krissy001, Archet, radishesandspectraspects, evilbrat2013, Saren-Dipety, Ihavegone, the Random Oliphaunt, E, The NCISElf, Gigigue, Meril-chan of Lorien, RandomFandom5, and Cheetahstar for reviewing! Thanks to Gigigue and daddys number 1 girl for favouriting, and to daddys number 1 girl for following!**

**Sorrrrrrrrryyyyyy for the wait. Gaahh, yell at me all you like. I deserve it.**

**Finally, I haven't spontaneously gained ownership to **_**Free Fallin'**_**, **_**The Wheels on the Bus**_**, or any other song used in these ficlets. Just sayin'.**

**ALRIGHTY. See y'all next time :D**


	18. Jobs that The Fellowship Would 1

**JOBS THAT THE FELLOWSHIP WOULD BE REALLY BAD AT 1/3**

_Frodo – comedian._

Frodo: *walks on stage* Um…hullo.

*silence*

Frodo: *awkwardly shuffles some cards in his hand* Well… *starts to read off of a card* That was my carrot!

*awkward silence*

Frodo: That…that was the wrong card. Yep. Erm… *gets the right card* It took a long time to get here! Ehahahaa…

*cricket noises*

Frodo: Because I live in the Shire…

*silence*

Frodo: Which is a fictional place…

*silence*

Frodo: Whatever. I thought that was funny. Anyways… *picks a new card* THIS ONE IS REALLY FUNNY! Why did the chicken cross the road? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE BWAAHAAAAHAAHAAhehuuuhaaa!

*someone coughs in the audience*

Frodo: Maybe you've heard that joke…well, it sure got the Shire folk laughing! Old Proudfoot fell off of his chair!

*silence*

Frodo: He's now in hospital.

*someone laughs a bit*

Frodo: That…that wasn't a joke. He's probably going to die…

*_really _awkward silence*

Frodo: Anyways…what's red and fluffy? RED FLUFF!

*silence*

Frodo: It's funny because you guys were probably thinking about like…something that's red and fluffy, like a sheep that's red for some reason…BUT I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT FLUFF!

*no response*

Frodo: You guys are a tough crowd! Alright, here's a Shire joke for you folks: Why did the restaurant go out of business? BECAUSE FATTY BOLGER ATE AT IT AHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAA!

*silence*

Frodo: You know what? You guys need to get a sense of humour! *looks at his cards* Okay, so this kid called Billy went to school one day with a bucket full of sand. The teacher asks, 'Billy, why do you have a bucket full of sand?'

*audience actually looks slightly interested*

Frodo: So Billy says... *flips to next card* …and he ate the harmonica AHAHAAAHA!

*no one else laughs*

Frodo: Did I mix up the cards again? Okay, erm *finds the right card* okay, here it is. So Billy says 'So I don't become a goat!'

*no one responds*

Frodo: …that makes no sense. Sorry. My friend Pippin made it up…he's not very good at anything that has to do with…thinking…

*cricket noises*

Frodo: OOOH, here's a fantastic one! Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?

Someone in the audience: Because he had no body to go with…?

Frodo:

Person:

Frodo:

Person: …

Frodo: *bursts into tears and dies*

_Sam – grocer._

Sam: *waits behind a counter at his grocery store*

Customer: *walks in*

Sam: HULLO!

Customer: Hi…I need some bread.

Sam: And some po-ta-toes, no doubt!

Customer: Actually, I'm allergic to potatoes…

Sam:

Customer:

Sam:

Customer: …

Sam: *bursts into tears and dies*

_Legolas – hair stylist._

Customer: *sits down in a chair in front of Legolas*

Legolas: WoaaaaaaaAAAAoooh, what are these? *holds up scissors*

Customer: …scissors?

Legolas: Ha, these darn-fungled-y things that exist in this realm! *throws scissors into a nearby bin* Now…don't flinch! *takes a knife and reaches for the person's hair*

Customer: I JUST WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR STYLED!

Legolas: You sure you don't want a little trim here and there? I think you'd look lovely with short hair.

Customer: I'm positive.

Legolas: Kay. Braids it is!

Customer: I don't want br-

Legolas: *weaves person's hair into twenty thousand little braids in one second* Kay, go.

Customer: How di-

Legolas: Never underestimate an elf.

Customer: I don't even like braids!

Legolas:

Customer:

Legolas:

Customer: …

Legolas: *bursts into tears and dies*

_Gandalf – someone who answers questions about a product via the phone._

*phone rings*

Gandalf: *picks up* Hullo!

Customer: MY _Danby_© MICROWAVE IS ON FIREEEEEEEEEEE!

Gandalf: What is this "microwave" that you speak of?

Customer: FLAMES ARE LITERALLY SHOOTING OUT OF IT!

Gandalf: Sounds nice and toasty if you ask me.

Customer: OOOOOH MY GOD, THE CEILING IS NOW ON FIRE.

Gandalf: The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! We don't need no water, let the –

Customer: I DON'T EVEN LIKE THAT SONG!

Gandalf:

Customer: I NEED HEEEELP!

Gandalf:

Customer: HOW DO I TURN THIS THING OFFFFF?

Gandalf: *bursts into tears and dies*

Customer: …hello? OH MY GAWD, THE SINK IS ONE FIRE. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? I NEED HE - *click*

**So these are weird. I acknowledge this. In my defense, they're not as weird as that **_**Moments with The Fellowship if Sam was a Cat**_** chapter. **_**That **_**was weeeeird.**

**Yeah, and I do realise that if Gandalf knew the lyrics to "The Roof is on Fire", he'd probably know what a microwave was. Whateeeeever.**

**I DON'T OWN THE SONG "The Roof is on Fire" BTW. In case you were wondering. I don't own Danby microwaves either. Or do I…?**

**Nope. I have a Beaumark microwave-y-thing in case you wanted to know... I ACTUALLY LEFT MY ROOM AND WENT AWKWARDLY INTO MY KITCHEN TO FIND THAT OUT FOR YOU. My parents must be weirded out. I literally just went into the kitchen, stared at the microwave, and then walked away. OH THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU GUYSSSS.**

**Time to thank y'all (these thanks are with extra thank-i-ness because I kinda updated later than I had planned :c). WE ARE CURRENTLY AT 94 REVIEWS. Six of you guys NEED to review, okay? OKAY? Thanks :3**

**So thanks to LotR-HP-PJ, Archet, i should login (nice name xD), The NCISElf, the Random Oliphaunt, Krissy001, ****Pergjithshme****, Gigue, Snowy, and Meril-chan o Lorien for reviewing, to Archet for favouriting, and to ****Pergjithshme**** for following!**

**UNTIL NEXT TIME :D**


	19. Jobs that The Fellowship Would 23

**JOBS THAT THE FELLOWSHIP WOULD BE REALLY BAD AT 2/3**

_Pippin – someone who thinks for a living (in this case, a university professor.)_

*students walk into lecture hall where Pippin is drawing cabbages on the blackboard*

Pippin: …who are you guys?

*no one responds*

Pippin: Oh riiiiiiiight, I'm a professor! *looks at chalk* *awkwardly throws away chalk* Erm…hey, who drew the cabbages on my blackboard?!

*someone coughs*

Pippin: It was you, wasn't it?! *points to person* You're expelled!

Person: We saw you draw them…

Pippin: Fifty points from Ravenclaw!

Person: …what?

Pippin: Now, turn to page 394 in your textbooks!

Random person: There isn't a page 394 in our textbooks…

Pippin: What's the number of the last page?

Random person: 301…

Pippin: Okay, then go to that page. Sweet Eru, do I have to solve all of your problems? You're smart, figure it out. I can't live your life for you! *Pippin leans back against the blackboard, imprinting cabbages onto his back*

Another random person: So…are you going to teach us?

Pippin: Well, read that page and then ask me some questions!

Random person: The page is blank…

Pippin: Wow, what a waste of paper. Hey, does anyone want to make paper airplanes?

*no one replies*

Pippin: Oh…I thought it was a good idea…it'd be a great way to use up that blank page!

*silence*

Pippin: So, does anyone have any questions?

_Another _random person: So, the chapter that we had to read for class last night – I found a word that I was confused by and we're not supposed to look up anything in this course…we're supposed to ask you…

Pippin: O-oh…

Person: The word is "debauched." What does it mean?

Pippin:

Person:

Pippin:

Person: …

Pippin: *head explodes*

_Gollum – a jeweller (yes, Gollum isn't in The Fellowship – oh weeell.)_

Gollum: *piles everything in the store into one large pile* My preciousesssss.

*someone walks into store*

Customer: Hello, I'd like to buy a ring.

Gollum: …and takes it aways from us?

Customer: Uh…yeah?

Gollum:

Customer:

Gollum:

Customer: …

Gollum *bursts into tears and dies*

_Aragorn – a barber._

*customer with a beard walks in*

Aragorn: Hullo!

Customer: H-hi…?

Aragorn: What would you like me to do?

Customer: I'd like my beard to be cut off.

Aragorn: Of course! Sit down!

*customer sits down – Aragorn pulls out a sword*

Customer: What th-

Aragorn: *grabs beard and holds it away from person's face* ONETWOTHREECHOP! *brings swords down and chops off most of beard* Tuh daah!

Customer: Now my beard is just square…

Aragorn: That's where the pocket knives come in handy! *Aragorn pulls out four and starts hacking away at the beard* Now…don't breathe in for a few minutes, or else you'll inhale some hair.

Customer: *inhales anyways*

Aragorn: *finishes eventually* Okay! Now you have a ranger-beard! *proudly points to the mangled stubble on the person's face*

Customer: No, I want it all gone! I don't want some stupid stubble!

Aragorn:

Customer: *notices Aragorn's stubble* Oh no, that's not what I meant!

Aragorn:

Customer: It looks…fine on you! Really! It looks…okay!

Aragorn: *bursts into tears and dies*

_Gimli – a barber._

*customer with a beard walks in*

Gimli: Hello!

Customer: Hi…

Gimli: What would you like me to do?

Customer: I'd like my beard to be cut off.

Gimli:

Customer:

Gimli:

Customer: …

Gimli: *bursts into tears and dies*

**HELLOOOO! I'm currently watching the "royal reveal" of the royal baby. I PREDICTED IT WAS A BOY AND I WAS RIGHT :D Anyways… xD**

**There's a trend in these short job fics, btw. It may be obvious… xD**

**WE ARE OVER 100 REVIEWS! THANKS SO MUCH!**

**THANKS TO Vora Lundar, Elvish Cupcake, Lishnator1 and BooksMakeMagicForMe for favouriting, to BooksMakeMagicForMe and Elvish Cupcake for following, and to the Random Oliphaunt, i should login, Helllo, LotR-HP-PJ, guest, hi, Krissy001, and warriorkittytailsdoll for reviewing.**

**THERE IS A TWO MINUTE WARNING UNTIL THE ROYAL REVEAL :O Alrighty. I must get back to watching the news. THANKS FOR READING. WE ARE OVER 100 REVIEWS. GAAAAAAAAGSDUGUWUWH**

**Alrighty xD Bye!**


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